Second-Hand Stress

Is absorbing other people’s anxiety holding you back from hitting your goals? We pick up on emotions more easily than we realize, and secondhand stress can quickly hamper our health.

Feeling overwhelmed without due cause? Secondhand stress is tension and pressure we experience due to other people’s behaviour. Emotions are contagious – just like the flu, we can actually “catch” and absorb what others are feeling. It’s a remarkable ability we have as human beings, as we are hard-wired to empathize with those around us.

Connecting with others and caring for them is key to our survival, so it makes sense we can take on other people’s positive and negative feelings as well. ‘When those around us are feeling stressed, our instinct is to be alerted to this and to respond as if these are cues of danger,’

What is second-hand stress?

So, how can stress impact our health and fitness goals? ‘It’s important to think about what we mean by “stress” because stress can be “healthy stress” or “unhealthy stress”,’ says Joseph. ‘Unhealthy stress is called anxiety, while healthy stress is called concern. Anxiety is an emotion provoked by an unhealthy or irrational belief or attitude about either a perceived or a real threat or danger to you and to what matters to you. The concern is the healthy version of anxiety.’

When you are stuck in a state of anxiety, your thoughts may be preoccupied with “what if” and you are likely to avoid or seek assurance and reassurance or do something to get rid of the feelings quickly, ultimately not solving it or getting better in the long term. ‘To be stuck in a state of anxiety, day in and day out, impacts your health and fitness goals for sure,’ says Joseph. ‘Long-term anxiety alone can impact your heart health, weight, increase blood pressure and cause gastrointestinal problems, insomnia, headaches, loss of libido, fatigue, muscle aches and pains to name a few.’

Therefore, you are more likely to engage in behaviours that sabotage your goals, such as avoidance, over-exercising, drinking too much, eating too much or abstaining from food. This is hardly the ideal state for positively focusing on goals. In essence, anxiety is negative goal setting. Long-term anxiety can also increase your risks of developing depression and other anxiety-related disorders, such as panic disorders and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).

How to deal with secondhand stress

What positive strategies can you employ for secondhand stress while still supporting loved ones with their anxieties? ‘Secondhand anxiety is provoked by our own unhealthy beliefs,’ says Joseph. ‘Unhealthy beliefs are dogmatic, rigid, absolutist in nature. They are based on “must”, “have to”, and “got to”.’

For example, you might feel as if…

‘I must always be in control of my feelings, it’s awful when I can’t control my feelings, I can’t stand not being able to control my feelings; it proves I’m weak or worthless.’

‘I must not feel anxious and uncomfortable when I see my loved ones anxious and unhappy is the end of the world bad; I cannot stand seeing my loved ones unhappy. I must be able to help my loved one to feel happy; if I can’t, it’s awful; I cannot bear it and proves I’m a failure.’ It’s our dogmatic demands that provoke our feelings of anxiety. This is at the heart of solving our emotional problems. It’s called the ‘principle of emotional responsibility.’ We are responsible for our feelings, and we are not the cause of other people’s feelings. This can be challenging because expressions like ‘you make me feel anxious and ‘people’s disapproval makes me anxious’ are common. People even ask, ‘what makes you anxious?’. The correct answer is ‘I make me anxious. We can then learn to make ourselves un-anxious. This, in turn, helps us to become emotionally healthy and happy.

How to cope

Eliminate avoidance. We avoid feelings, thoughts, physiological sensations, assertive behaviours, and mental images. Develop resiliency to discomfort. Sit with your feelings. They are your body’s natural electricity. Allow them. Use mindfulness by observing your feelings rather than relaxation techniques. Relaxation techniques to solve anxiety about anxiety will be counterproductive. Accept that other people’s feelings are not within your control. Work on your reactions to other people’s feelings. Be compassionate. Be kind to yourself and accept that we are humans and have feelings. This is natural. Acceptance is the first step to healing yourself from being stuck in anxiety. Be consistent and repeat. Repeat the new way of thinking and the new behaviour consistently. This will turn into a habit at some point, and it becomes your usual reaction. Changing attitudes and behaviour starts uncomfortably because it’s not a habit yet.